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Deedeememe's Blog

Thinking can hurt sometimes…

Clue is in the title but these are random thoughts that fit nowhere.

1) In this day and age men are everywhere trying to perve on women. I’ve noticed this happens a lot in the pubs and clubs of Britain but no one seems to be doing much about it or more importantly making money out of it. The New business is called “Pervert Preventers” which makes a line of products that deter pesky perverts.

An electric buzzer can be placed in particular hot spots of the female body. Regular offending perverts are attracted to the BOTTOM, the BOSOM and the UPPER THIGH. If a man touches these areas he will get an instant shock and never return!

A sound deflector for the pervert wolf whistle! If a man wolf whistles in your direction, the skirt picks up the frequency and deflects it back onto the man ten fold, destroying him in the process. He will be severely damaged, possibly dead, or it may just burst his ear drums. Extreme but sometimes necessary, these men need to get the message.

Poison Lipstick. If you’re in a relationship or 100% sure you are not interested in pulling any men then apply some lipstick that contains lethal poison. If a man tries to kiss you, he will receive the harsh consequences of his misbehaviours and die from the poison applied on your lips. Tough measures for this pervert problem.

2) I propose a set of innovative ways to give the Theatre industry a much needed boost and attract new audiences!

My first idea is Mime theatre. Basically everyone in the audience listens to a recording of the play and the actors have to mime along to what they are hearing. Actors will have to perfect their ability to mime to the recording and time it perfectly. The recording will include words, sound effects and of course music. Think of this as the theatres version of a Silent Disco! If I’m honest this is an utterly pointless idea.

The second idea is an “eat whilst you act” theatre. Have a three course meal on stage or just constantly eat and drink until you virtually throw up. Audiences will see great theatre and will amuse over seeing people attempt to act in the play whilst chewing down their last piece of chicken, and we all know how hard it is to talk when eating and of course very rude. Extremely bad mannered theatre! How refreshing.

3) Here’s an idea for a charity concert raising money for the Big Issue. It’s simple; get famous musicians to duet on stage with homeless buskers for charity. Promote the talents of homeless people; bring out an album of duets, do a concert, raise money and everyone goes back to their normal lives, and hopefully a home. Not sure what you could call it, maybe “How do I get home?” or “You got any change for a bus mate? My girlfriends giving birth and I need to get to the hospital” quite a common line I get from homeless people.

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Are you having sleepless nights worrying about unpaid bills, the price of keeping a girlfriend or just general financial debt? Clearly you’re in need of an income boost and the answer could, quite literally, be you. The fact is your body has the potential to make money without you killing it or even trying that hard. In this post I have helpfully laid out the facts so you can start to successfully cash in on that body of yours! Read on for more.

Please note: Some of these money making options are only legal in certain countries so you may have to factor in travel expenses.

1) Hair – Believe it or not some people are willing to buy your hair for money. A bunch of hair can be bought and put to use by creating or repairing wigs for bald chaps who need a healthy full bodied head of hair. One website I checked out called “Hair Harvest” gave this helpful breakdown of potential prices so you’d better start growing your hair and cash in! And yes this is legal in the UK! See below…

10-12 inches – £20 – £60
13-15 inches – £40 – £80
16-18 inches – £60 – £150
19 inches and above- £80 – £250

http://www.hairharvest.co.uk/

2) Clinical Trials – This is where you become a human guinea pig with a nice pay day at the end. Medical trials on humans help to research and assist the development of new drugs and treatments so not only are you getting paid but you’re contributing to medical research! The deal is you come in, they take your piss and blood, pump you with experimental drugs and treatments, and you simply watch the cash roll in. One website I looked at gives you £120 per 24 hours you spend in the unit. If you’re in for longer periods or return for repeat tests then more money can be made.

If you recommend a friend you can pocket yourself a further £90 – £350. Plus if he/she happens to be 65+ you get a whopping £350 quid! So I’d advice being nice to the elderly because not only do they need help in their old age but they’re also a walking cash cow. The next down in referral fees, for some bizarre reason, are Japanese people. One Jap could earn you £250 per referral.

http://www.trials4us.co.uk/about/index.php

3) Blood – Initially I read that it was illegal to sell your blood for money in the UK but after much research I found it was perfectly legit as long as it’s only being used for clinical trials! It works as follows:-

You get £60 for donating 600 mls of blood or a proportional amount if less blood has been donated, i.e. £40 for 400 mls. You receive £5 for travel expenses which isn’t much when you have to travel all the way to Croydon to get it done. On the other hand, if you decide to sell your blood in the USA you can collect $35 per donation which isn’t an awful lot either to be honest.

http://www.rpcl01a.co.uk/registration/bloodreg.asp?r=trials4us.co.uk

4) Sperm/Eggs – You aren’t able get money for your sperm or eggs in the UK but in other countries it can be done. In the USA men can make up to $100 per deposit of sperm but this can vary depending on which state you’re in so make sure you do your research before shooting your load. Women on the other hand can make quite a bit more than men from egg donation. In some states, such as Boston, women can earn up to $5,000 per cycle. So if you’re in the US, why not get something out of your daily wank and visit a donor agency. Otherwise you’ll just be spunking away good money

5) Organs – Unfortunately its illegal to sell your organs in the UK. However some desperate people have tried to sell up a Kidney on eBay for a massive £60,000! So if you’re prepared to go under the knife and break the law then there’s a lot of money to be made.

Alternatively you could travel to a country like China where organ harvesting is common and foreigners willing to sell their Kidneys can make between 10,000 to 60,000 dollars.

I reckon a smart idea would be a trading market for organs. You sell your kidney in one country for say 60K and then buy a replacement for 20K in another. 40k profit! Playing the organ market like a pro! Obviously some organs, like your heart, you can’t live without so you would need to have your cheap heart ready for switching before they operate to remove the old one. Have a look at some of the prices here… http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/15.04/start_page7.html Let the trading begin!

My advice to the UK government would be to lift the ban on selling organs for money in order to help those feeling the economic bite. I mean let’s face it, I own my body and I want money for my Kidney so I can fund my holiday to China…and trade up my heart.

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Not done a post for a while, this is down to pure laziness which gave me an idea to write about being lazy. Even my ideas are lazy. Feast on these thoughts…

Lazy food – Those of you who know me may occasionally receive a call whilst I’m walking around Sainsbury’s supermarket. Now this isn’t because I love supermarkets but more because I’m bored and fancy wondering down some aisles like a sad loner. On one such wonder I came across a packet of grated cheese. How lazy is this? People can no longer be bothered to grate their own cheese. Other examples of lazy food options are pre-prepared salads, 2 in 1 coffee mixes where you don’t have to bother with milk, you simply add boiling water and you have your coffee made for drinking (people are now too lazy to reach for milk in the fridge). The final one is packaged ice cubes. Why do you need to buy ready made ice cubes? Just buy a container, add water, stick it in the freezer and wait for the cubes to form you lazy arse.

Assisted Suicide – People may find this one offensive but some of us have got to the stage where they now can’t even be bothered to kill themselves. They need to be assisted. It’s just another easy option for a growing lazy nation because some individuals would rather get someone else to do a job they should really be doing themselves. Lazy suicide…I never thought we’d get that lazy!

On Demand TV – Is on demand TV for convenience or because people can no longer be bothered to record a TV show when they’re out? I actually happen to love on demand TV but it does make you wonder.

Instant please! – Here are a few ideas that may or may not have been thought of:-

1) Instant Sun – Rubbish weather in the UK? A bit chilly during winter? Live in a bowl, control your own weather and have sun whenever you want. No need to wait for the sun to come out, just adjust your weather controller and you have it. One for the future I’d imagine.

2) Instant Sleep – Someone should make a drug which is healthy to take and makes you sleep instantly because sometimes I can’t be bothered to wait for that sleepy feeling to come. Sleepless nights are no more!

3) Instant Toilet – A piss bag for the modern man. Make it trendy and cool; adding it as a fashion accessory in the same way you might carry a hand bag. Going to the toilet can sometimes be annoying and inconvenient when you’re trying to get things done, with companies spending millions a year on giving people time to go to the toilet. Obviously someone would have to invent a pair of underpants, with a built in nappy, so people could do a quick and easy number two. Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, it’s time to make it happen.

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For this post I thought I’d share with you the daily events I witnessed as Chris Winsor’s old housemate. At times you could interpret these moments as dumbness or even stupidity but I’d like to think them as acts of kindness by a generous friend making life a little easier for me and the world.

The first example is an act of kindness I will never forget. Once when going out we needed to stop at an ATM to withdraw cash. All of us went through the standard routine of taking our money out but Winsor had other ideas. Instead of pressing in his pin combination and walking away with his money, he instead left the money there for some lucky devil to benefit from this kind charitable donation. Some might say he was too stupid to remember to grab the cash, others say he just enjoyed pressing the buttons like a small child would without a thought of what was to follow. I disagree, here was a man taking part in a kind of public charity, donating money to the next stranger walking by. God bless this man.

So you’ve had a busy day at work and you decide to swing by the supermarket to pick up some groceries. As you approach the front door your hands are full of shopping and you have no idea where your key is. What shall I do I here you ask. Do you  scurry frantically to dig out your key whilst your shopping falls all over the floor? No! Not when you’re a housemate of Chris Winsor! He kindly leaves his key in the door so it’s conveniently there for you when you return home. Now some saw this as an irresponsible act, making it easy for thieves to stroll in and help themselves to our student booty. I instead interpreted this as another saintly act from the man the legend Chris Winsor. Such a helpful housemate.

On the other hand, he did on many occasions forget his wallet which was rather frustrating when you were trying to get out or share a bar tab. But let’s face it, every fella has his Achilles heel and Winsor’s was forgetting his wallet. No ones perfect.

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Ok this is my point. Some cartoon characters are not getting enough credit for breaking boundaries and tackling controversial subjects. Here are a few notable examples…

Roger Rabbit – In the film “Who framed Roger Rabbit”, Roger Rabbit, has the annoying task of disposing of a bunch of weasels, irritating I know but the way he tackles this is pretty clever. Rogers not dumb, he doesn’t want to face a murder trial by unlawfully killing weasels and getting slammed in cartoon prison, he’s got better ideas. His genius solution is to make them laugh to death which quite frankly is amazing! Now by law I don’t think this rabbit can be banged up for being funny. Have you ever seen a police officer give out warnings for people being dangerously funny? Also how do you prove that he intended to kill the weasels with laughter? I’m no lawyer but I’d say no you can’t, case closed.

Effectively its a new form of killing and could revolutionise the art of murder. Before you know it budding serial killers will be taking classes on how to be funny, practising their stand up routines and attempting to kill people by telling jokes until their victims drop dead. So beware if someone is telling you numerous, non-stop, back to back jokes as they could well be a serial killer. Their weapon of choice is laughter!!

Top Cat – The first time a cartoon has tackled the harsh reality of a pimp surviving on the mean streets of New York. If you look at Top Cat he blatantly wasn’t a mischievous little cat, he was a pimp! A smartly dressed cat, scamming his friends out of money and if given half the chance he would pimp out your pussy in a flash. I’d like to see the footage they didn’t show you. The beatings, the corruption, and the sleaze as the filthy world of Top Cat the pimp is exposed. Fear the Top Cat!

Ren and Stimpy – Here is the first gay cartoon couple! Even though the two never came out to admit this obvious fact, the evidence is clear. The two share a bed; they live together as partners and at one point even discuss a wedding. In one episode they adopt a child like many modern gay couples do. Unfortunately it turns out being flatulence…oh dear.

It’s not exactly Elton John and David Furnish but Ren and Stimpy were the first gay cartoon couple. It challenges the norm of cartoon couples and shows that not all gays are well groomed, metro-males. Gritty gayness my friend.

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There’s a film out at the moment called Thor and in this the lead character, Thor, is sent to earth for being a naughty boy. In many ways Thor is an Asylum seeker after being outcast from his home planet. No legislation has been introduced yet to help aliens or people from other planets that are kicked out and sent to earth. Cameron may have to introduce this in time if it becomes an issue. Basically this started getting my brain working. Has anyone ever gone the other way and emigrated from earth to a foreign planet? This is what I came up with…

1) The first is from the Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren. Here Skeletor is fighting with He-man to take power of a tonal key that enables people to be transported anywhere they desire. To escape Skeletor, He-man and his crew hit a few random buttons on the tonal key and end up being sent to earth. Skeletor, who’s unhappy with the situation, travels to earth to destroy He-man and get the key. Now whilst all this fighting on earth takes places there’s a Detectice Lubic who is trying to arrest whoever is causing all this chaos. To cut a long story short, He-man & Co win the battle but in doing so send a load of earth people to He-mans planet. Most at the end want to head back to good old earth but Lubic has a better idea. He’s fed up with earth, one minute he’s shit his pants having been transported to another planet with what he calls a “bunch of whackos”, the next he’s thinking “meh, I may as well emigrate”. Literally it takes him seconds to change his mind. But who wouldn’t, in the final scene he’s got a hot lady on his arm, a new castle pad and a completely new look. He could probably even start introducing Macy d’s and Starbucks and make a tidy fortune. That’s another thing I’ve noticed, people from other planets are well easy to pull. This guy managed it in seconds, and he’s fat and bold. Plus they gave him a castle!

2) I don’t know that much about the Stargate film, but what I know is that a bunch of Americans, including an Egyptologist and some US troops, are sent to a planet with the use of an ancient transporter. I won’t go through the story, but what I will tell you is that a Dr Daniel Jackson emigrates to this planet. Yet again he finds a hot bird and decides to turn down the opportunity to return to earth. Is this the future of emigration? People have not only had enough of their country but they’ve had enough of their planet. Judging by these two examples it doesn’t sound too bad.

3) Now to give earth a break there are some creatures that do decide to go the other way, in this example it’s a duck. Howard the Duck makes the choice to save his earth friends by destroying a machine, which would take him back to his duck world, so he can drive out an evil monster and subsequently save the day. To be fair if I had the choice between sleeping in the arms of Lea Thompson or returning to a duck world, I would go for the former. There is quite a lot of bestiality in this film, I’m sure the sequel would involve Thompson being banged up for…you know the rest.

If you can think of any other immigration or emigration of aliens, creatures or humans then go comment.

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Here are a few ideas for potential delicacies that as far as I know haven’t been discovered…

1) Zoo Cheese Factory – Now you can make cheese from all sorts of animals. Buffalo, Camel, Goats and Cows (it should be called cows cheese). The next step has to be a zoo cheese factory. Get animals that live in Zoos and start milking them. Then when you have enough milk from Giraffes, Gorillas, Zebras and Elephants you start to make the cheese.

I’m sure then you could get some super rich person to buy a block of your elephant cheese as anything rare or hard to make will be both expensive and in demand. The super rich will love to entertain their guests with Zebra cheese and Gorilla milkshakes. You’ll be the talk of the town.

The only problem is how do you get the milk? I’ll leave that to the people at the Zoo Cheese Factory.

2) Zoo Deserts – Lets face it I’m basically using the same idea but throwing it in with a desert. Gorilla cheese cake is one, maybe you could make a cake with Elephant eggs and Zebra milk and see what you get. Same could be applied to Giraffe and gorilla ice cream. Loads of possibilities!

3) Ant Soup – You collect loads of Ants, squash um into a paste, add water and vegetables, heat up and you got some Ant soup. Now this is a delicacy because I reckon it’ll be bloody hard to collect enough ants to make a good amount of soup and as it’s difficult to make, it will be hard to find and hence a delicacy is born.

4) Human Tear Tea – To make this you need to collect tears from humans, boil it and then add your earl grey. Now for you arty types I’d imagine you’d lap this up in a café at a London art gallery. Tears can signify both joy and despair, a total range of emotions. In drinking the tea you could argue you are consuming the physical human product that comes from a person feeling their emotions. The thought may bring happiness or sadness to you whilst you consume the Tear Tea and ponder where the emotion originated from. Now this will be really hard to collect and think of the amount of tears you’ll need to get to fill a kettle. This is why it’s a delicacy and why rich artists will be queuing up to discover what a human emotion tastes like.

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